A friend, who has no children yet, asked me a while ago which parenting books I'd recommend. I surprised myself by answering none. I have read a few parenting books- a few pages here and there of Dr. Sears before Baby H was born, and since then a little bit of Baby Whisperer and The No-Cry sleep series, and endless online opinions. I have next-to-no knowledge of baby care, so I didn't want to mess H up too badly. I have definitely learned some helpful things from everything I've read. At the time, though, they all made me stressed out and unsure of my own parenting, especially in the short term.
Baby H, once she woke up from her born-too-soon sleepiness, was not all sweetness and light. I imagine no baby is, though really, I don't have much to compare her to. So, while Dr. Sears did encourage me to pick up my crying baby (which I did, in fact, have a physical compulsion to do), he also added to my anxiety when she would. not. stop. crying. Which she did, frequently, maxing out at about forty minutes at a stretch around two or three months, no matter what we did. And, to my credit, her crying intensity has impressed even the family practice nurses. I also felt guilty (at times) for leaving her alone on the floor too long, though in retrospect, I think she could have used a lot less stimulation in those early weeks and months. I felt terrible if I went to the bathroom before picking her up if she woke up in the night. So, while usually the guilt only lasted for a day or two after reading the books, it wasn't terribly helpful.
As H got older, friends told us they had great success with Baby B, the same age as H, using a gentle, limited crying-out method. When I heard how Baby B fell asleep for naps without 45 minutes of involvement from mom, I felt silly for not at least trying it. But, I was sure then (and still am now) that H would only cry harder and harder, loosing all control, and would probably cause herself some minor physical or psychological damage before falling asleep out of sheer exhaustion. So I rocked, and held, and danced, and nursed, and did whatever I could to get her to eventually sleep. Until, one day, long after baby B was falling asleep independently, I noticed H had a tired cry. And she did, once, quiet down after starting to cry and fall asleep in the car. Previously, she'd just scream until we got home. (She still does sometimes.) But, from that day, she spent some time fussing or crying in her crib sometimes. And I felt bad- if I thought about Dr. Sears.
But then, when she got really worked up, and I went to comfort her, and would pick her up and sometimes even (gasp!) let her fall asleep in my arms, I'd feel bad thinking about the Baby Whisperer. She says any baby over four months should be on at least a four hour schedule, and if your baby isn't you should spend two weeks forcing them into one. And, you should not let your baby fall asleep in your arms, or nursing, or bouncing, because they will not fall asleep in their beds. But, H still doesn't take a long enough nap to be on a four hour schedule. And, despite several rounds where she needed help falling asleep for a week or more, she also can frequently put herself to sleep now. On the other hand, I did get one gem out the BW- H has a personality type that enjoys a schedule or routine, but is very easily disrupted from one. I'm not sure exactly what I did differently once I realized that- I think I just realized H needed my help to keep a routine, she wasn't going to magically get sleepy at the same time every day. And now we're good.
So yes, I rock my baby to sleep, or even nurse her to sleep. Sometimes for weeks at a time. And yes, I let my baby cry in her crib. Sometimes for too long. Sometimes she falls asleep alone. And sometimes I go in and help her. I do all kinds of things that some parenting methods approve of and some don't, and some parents approve of and some don't. And sometimes I do things differently from day to day, because sometimes I just can't take any. more. crying. And, sometimes I just don't want to spend 45 minutes coaxing her to sleep. But mostly I try to stay away from the parenting books. Or, at least, take the helpful and not feel guilty about the rest.
So, my no-children-yet friend, here's my advice: Maybe read a baby book. Or not. Feel free to nurse your baby to sleep, or lay them down awake, or whatever you want. You probably should know that if you nurse them to sleep every. single. time. they sleep until they are 19 months old, you'll probably have a hard time breaking that habit. But hey- no college students nurse to sleep. Do what works. And don't feel guilty.
