Community and Transience

Our two two-year stints, and our recent 18-month anniversary at our current location, mean that for the past few years we have experienced local community as transients. In our Small Town, we didn’t know how long we would be there, but in Academic Town (formerly known as Slightly Bigger Town, Slightly Less Midwest- but that’s way too long), we knew from the outset we would only be there two years. While E had several friends from work, a few of which we got to know as a family, I mostly connected- or tried to connect- with women who were there permanently. It didn’t take me long to wish I had been more evasive about our long-term plans. 

I was never totally sure how much of the reserve was on my side, and how much on theirs, but being the transient academic family trying to break into an established community was definitely not on my side. This was a really nice group of women who met twice a month for a spiritually oriented moms group, which I really, really enjoyed. By the second year we were there I was helping lead the group (mostly administrative tasks) and seeing some of the women a couple times a week through different organized activities, but I never totally felt a part of the group, and didn’t make close friendships there. Which is not to say that community was not valuable to me- they brought us meals when we had TT, they prayed for me during my antepartum depression, and the activities and acquaintanceships were a lifeline as I struggled through my pregnancy while home full-time with two year old H. But the emotional ties I have there- or lack thereof- stand in stark contrast to the ones I made in Small Town. And while there are likely a number of factors going on, I can’t help but think a major one was that we all knew my family would be leaving.

That was one of our experiences, but transient community is not always doomed- far from it. (If that were true, college would be so boring!) It does require greater commitment to have the full experience of friendship and community in those circumstances. We had an acquaintance in Small Town who was there for her husband's residency, who was one of the earliest and most active members in our church and community. She talked about the difficult time she had while he as in medical school, as they were far from their hometown for the first time, and how she spend the four years moping and waiting to be finished. Fortunately, by the end of four years she realized she couldn’t go on like that- and she could control her situation by being proactive in participating in their community and making friends in their next location. And wow, did they ever.  They hosted and hosted, were friendly and made friends, and everyone was sad when it was time for them to go. Of course, sometimes living in an academic town or transient area means you get burnt out from so many people moving away, and have to step back or pick and choose among those kind of relationships. That hasn't been our experience yet, but I imagine it will be some day- and I do respect that.

In addition to greater commitment, I’ve found transient community is eased when it’s mutual- that's why college is so non-problematic. You don’t have to only make friends with those whose arrival and departure dates only coincide with your own, but I’ve found- from both sides!- that people who are only here for a time are much more forgiving of others' plans to move on. Additionally, of course, people who are new to an area are looking for friends and connections- a fact I’ve shamelessly exploited, time and time again. When we first moved here to the Slight South, I was on the constant lookout for others who were new to the area and might be looking to make friends.

Of course, there is a benefit to passing through- you don’t have to choose your friends too carefully, knowing you will be moving on and can use that as a natural endpoint if needed. Fortunately, we haven’t had too many experiences where we took advantage of that, but it’s true that when I know we are planning to move again soon, I tend to be content with quantity over quality. Fortunately,  this is a dynamic we will be experiencing a little less, now that we are here in the Slight South for a least a few more years. However, living in an academic town means there will always be a high percentage of transient people looking for community. I hope we show them the compassion and investment we were looking for as we moved frequently over the past few years.