Having it All on the other hand

Also entitled "In which I vacillate aloud for your (or my) entertainment"

Baby H is two. Let's be honest, she will be "Baby" H at least until we have a new baby, which does not seem to be anytime in the near future. And on the one hand, she seems so old, so much her own person, not at all that baby we pretended was a toddler those long twelve months ago. She knows she is her own person, and likes to answer "no!", even when she means yes and cries and screams "yes!" and "no!" until sometimes, if we ask again nicely, she will answer honestly that yes, she would like milk and she would like socks and she would like help and now she needs a hug, too.

And on the same hand, some days I am so ready to send her off to Montessori school and pay for it with the money I'll get from my new full-time job. Though getting that job might be harder than it is in my imagination. I probably won't find out for a while, because on the other hand, I wonder who will give her milk, and put on her socks, and help her, and give her a hug now that she needs one? And then, I think, of course, of course her lovely teacher would, and H would love her as much as she loves Miss L, the librarian, who in H's world is the rock star above all rock stars, who stamps hands and sometimes will say hello if there aren't too many other kids watching who will need hellos too. (Once shy H, surprised by seeing L there on her day off, was distracted from playing and was staring and when I asked her what she was doing accidently shouted "MISS L!" and was a little embarrassed but then thought it worked out great when Miss L invited H over for a sticker. And now they are BFF.)

But as I was saying, I guess this comes down to the eternal question of moms of our time, about Having It All and what All are we having, anyway? It's true, in ways it wasn't, that you can have it all, if that means having a job and a family, and enjoying them both. It's not true, in the way people wish it was, that everyone can be the toddler milker-socker-helper-hugger all-day-every-day (except when Dad's home, sometimes) and have a successful, meaningful career. Or maybe it's just me that wishes that. Obviously, there are lots of Alls between and around and in those options, and everyone chooses their own All with their own mistakes and successes and failures and trade-offs, and most of those ways are good in the end.

So we are choosing ours. And with the Montessori, I'm stuck on the other hand, and I just can't and just haven't, even though some part of me wishes I was so passionate about something as to go out and get a job about it. It's true that the more I stay home the more I think daycare is great, a totally good way to structure your family for both the parents to work and kids to have their own little world where they're cared for and loved and do fun things all day, not just go to T*rg*t and play while Mama does the dishes. So I reserve the right to re-evaluate, and might do just that, any second. Really, she'd be fine, she is two, she is ready for college any day now. Though on the other hand, now that I think about it that way, maybe I'll wait a few more years.